*FALL 1997*
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 by LAWRENCE
TAN, president
 It's no secret..It's
about finding out what you want to do for yourself in life and
you do it. Beating all odds, clinging on to your passion, and
holding on to your dream until you do what you have wanted to
do all your life but had never gotten to do it until HIV surfaces,
threatening your good old life.
Many PHAS have been curious about what I am doing to keep
healthy, look good, and exude a perpetual positive outlook in
life. Well, I don(t have a secret formula. I feel that I am fortunate
enough to have successfully achieved what I have dreaming for
during my bedridden days. I have always felt that my achievement
of looking healthy and feeling great is a good return for whatever
I had put out. I did[t have a great childhood; I had great psychological
problems growing up as a teenager; and my selfworth@h was greatly
damaged by my peers in my early twenties. I was always wondering
if there were greener pastures on the other side at all. But
I held out. I held out for as long as I could. At times, I felt
that I was losing my grip and I took a deep breath and held on
even tighter. Sometimes, I would lose my grip and fall. But each
fall made me stronger; I would get up and start over. When it
seemed that I was entering a dead end or a hurdle greater than
the Dead Sea itself, I would stop, reexamine my path, and move
on,again as quickly as I could on to another path leading to
my destination. To avoid over-confidence or uncontrolled optimism,
I would often think of myself as an egg, rolling down a hill.
If there were a rock in front of me, I would roll around it.
I would be crazy rolling head-on into the rock knowing that I
will break. Sounds abstract? Abstract it may be, but these are
the principles on which I lead my life as a person living with
AIDS.
Recently, I have adopted yet another principle. This one has
been making me fly fiercely through the fiery hell of HIV. I
believe that in life, one can run but cannot hide. Ever since
I recovered from the opportunistic infections, this principle
has become my daily bread. Perhaps this is the motivation that
keeps me going. I will run like crazy and even faster than Donovan
Bailey as long as the virus is still under control. I will not
think about what the virus is going to do to me, I will live
for today, run for today, and perhaps think slightly about tomorrow
and plot the track which I will be running tomorrow. HIV has
become a reality in my life and I cannot hide in my bed from
it. I could only run until the virus catches up with me. Then
I would rest in my bed and honor my enemy for a while as I recuperate.
Once HIV loosens its grip, I am going to escape and run again.
I will do this until HIV consumes me. I will not let HIV take
over my life!
I would also like to remind you that I do not run unaided
My HIV drug regimen, my endless supply of vitamins and herbs,
my positive attitude, my daily rest, my weekly workout programs,
my food which consists of 60% protein, 40% carbohydrates, and
many other second natured daily routines help me run this track
of life. As I run, I see my partner, family and friends cheering
me on. Without these ammunitions, I am only running to death
row. I would like the rolling egg crashing into the rock. Splat!!!
I am dead!
Being a gay man, a gay man with much dignity and vanity, I
strive to be as good looking as the next guy beside me, as buffed
as he, as wise as he, and as outgoing as he can be. Perhaps my
sense of appearance has been ingrained in me since I became an
actor when I was six years old. This is silly to most people.
Sometimes I too feel that I am silly to think that appearance
rules all because it doesn't(t. What's important is who and what
I am inside. Am I beautiful inside? Am I a sensible and sensitive
person? Am I kind and gracious to all? Am I able to forgive those
who have wronged me? Am I able to find peace in myself for the
things I have done for the day? Am I doing what I have to do
for my community? Am I able to smile in times of anger? Am I
a good Human Being? These are the things I often ask myself as
I pursue to better my appearance because the inside is as important
as the external appearance. They mirror each other. When there
is no mirror, there is no reflection. When there is no reflection,
there is no light. If there is no light from within, then how
could anyone look good on the outside? All it is; is but an empty
shell. A beautiful sculpture but with no soul. There has to be
a balance between what's within and without.
I am constantly trying to find that balance to the things
that I have so fortunately gained. Too much of one thing is bad;
the scale will be tipped. But if there is a sufficient weight
on the other side of the scale, bingo, a nice balance is formed.
I knew that I wanted my health and my looks back since the first
day I fall prey to the grips of microsporadia and CMV colitis.
I wanted so badly to be in shape again, I wanted to be attractive
again, I needed to be in control, and I needed to be sexual again.
I held on, I waited, I persevered, and when I saw there was light
at the end of the tunnel, I clicked my heels and went for it.
And I have been running ever since.
 Some of you have
asked me what it is that I have which gives me pride as a person
living with AIDS. It is the courage to face reality. It is the
courage to trust those who are with me for the support that I
need to run this race, to fight this difficult battle. The virus
has become a reality in my life. It is part of me now. I must
accept myself for who I am now before others can accept me. I
have to love myself before I expect people to love me. My disclosure
was only natural because I knew that I couldn't go through this
alone. I needed the energy for hiding my HIV infection to heal
myself. It is also my risk- taking nature that prompted my disclosure.
I wanted to test the attitude of people towards me.
After my disclosure, I realized my journey couldn't stop there.
I wanted to be a positive role model. I wanted to show my peers
that there is still life after an HIV infection. I wanted to
tell them that they are not alone, that there is love and support
out there. I needed to prove that it is possible to move on with
life and pursue all that they wanted for so long. It is time!
Life has gotten too short. It is now or never!
Naturally, after succeeding in my initial quest, I took it
upon myself to do the things that a healthy male would do and
to look as good as he could look. I did the play, "A Language
of Their Own" and beefed up my body. Along the way, with
luck and hard work, I began looking better than some healthy
individuals. Then I knew that I could take HIV to another level,
to further prove to people that PHAS are also contributing members
in society. We are not to be cast aside, look down upon, and
forgotten. Just before Pride Day 1997, 1 was in the gym having
a last pump. A middle-aged, Jewish woman whom I have known to
be homophobic complimented me for my latest physique. I didn't
know what prompted me to reveal my AIDS status, but I did. Her
eyes popped open, and almost trying to be spontaneous, she blurted
out in a very dignified way "Well, good for you! You look
great! " Then she walked away, trying not to be affected.
Please do not compare yourself to me because it is not emotionally
healthy. Everyone is different. You may have been successful
in doing something that I am striving for How I appear is something
that has been planned for me by some Higher Power in my path.
I am not superman either. I take great precautions as I take
each stride into the unknown. I always try to use the same energy
that I have used in my race yesterday and run a greater distance
with it today. I am constantly evaluating whether it is worth
to use excess energy to achieve something that I think is further
out than my reach. To tell you the truth, my viral load isn't
exactly low. I am still struggling with the idea of a four-drug
regime recommended by my specialist. I know that most of you
have achieved an undetectable viral load. I do not to compare
myself to you, because I know that it will work against me. If
I want to have an undetectable count, I will have to work at
it. There is no short cut. But I remain hopeful. I believe in
myself, and in the things I have to do.
An image of me in perfect health would be like the movie playing
on the screen. I can see it but it is not reality yet. What's
important is that I have a vision. I will work towards that vision,
and if it doesn't happen, so be it! I will be satisfied because
I have tried my best. I will take a rest and go at it a second
time, maybe even a third, fourth, fifth time. Meanwhile, I have
to live my life to the fullest. I have to live life like a real
person!
My passion to live life again as a regular guy surpasses the
threat of HIV. When an intravenous needle was placed in my arm
for the infusion of gancyclovir to treat CMV colitis, I attested
my need to be free, to be pushing weights, to be doing things
I felt so passionate about. I went to the gym with my trainer.
I expertly handled the weights, not letting the intravenous needle
weaken me. I needed to do this! I needed to do this to make me
feel that I was still in control, that I was still healthy enough
and strong enough. And I was.
I am still feeling in control and I am even stronger. I have
the same passion that I started with but that passion has intensified.
I want to move on to bigger and better things but I am still
careful of that rolling egg, keeping it intact throughout my
journey. I am glad to say that my journey so far has been a successful
and enlightening one. I have grown tremendously as a Human Being.
And I am still learning, growing, and achieving. It doesn't stop
here.
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